In the last class, a few of you asked for my take on polygamy; the question tickled my brain again when I stumbled across this post on a www.couchsurfing.com message board:
"Re: Polyamory... your take?
10/10/08 5:16 am
this has been a wonderful thread to follow, thanks to everyone who's been involved!
i have a very intense, close bond with my partner, and we have maintained a pretty "traditional" monogamous relationship for the past 3 years. i am deeply in love with him, and we are both very happy.
and we have recently been dabbling in the world of polyamory.
polyamory is something that i didn't know the word for before a couple of months ago, but had been battling with / revelling in since i knew that sex was a good thing [...when i was 3?]. i've had multiple lovers, sometimes openly and sometimes not. for a long while, i thought that i was just a hedonist, irresponsible, searching for love and sex everywhere... some people called me promiscuous, a few respected my path. it was hard to convince people that i really did love all of my partners and that i wasn't just hungry for sex. it's comforting to know that other people feel this way, and acknowledge that it IS possible to love more than one person.
trust, confidence, communication and honesty are integral to our current relationship. because my partner and i trust each other and are completely open and honest with each other, this strange new thing called 'polyamory' is only adding to our relationship. the transition is difficult for my partner, because he has always been in and observed traditional relationships - but we're exploring. we are totally open about how we are feeling every step of the way, dynamic boundaries and all. [aside from the awesomeness of sharing love with more than one person, my relationship with my partner has benefitted significantly. we are communicating and sharing and learning and exploring and experimenting together, complicated love and all!]
jealousy could make a polyamorous relationship ugly. my partner trusts me completely, to only do what i am comfortable with and only what will make me happy....and he doesn't get jealous, even though he doesn't really embrace polyamory...yet. [amazing.] i am trying to apply his reasoning to my own life, to be able to reciprocate that happiness and comfort. it's become apparent to me recently that what you really need is confidence in your love - trust yourself, be confident in yourself, and the rest will fall into place. if communication is totally open, everyone is comfortable in their own skin, and you really do share LOVE, then polyamory just, well..makes sense (:
i think that one reason why women are more reluctant to talk about this kind of relationship than men is because we are much more quickly called loose, slutty, etc. from the outside, polyamory can very easily be seen as promiscuity, and while promiscuity is almost-okay for guys, it's definitely societally unacceptable for women. a man who has multiple partners, communal love, etc is cool, normal, whatever. a woman who has multiple partners is mentally unstable and needs support, is a whore, etc. this is bullshit, and thankfully is becoming less and less of an issue [...or maybe it's because i live in california?].
...and yes, i am young and idealistic. and i will be middle-aged and idealistic. and old and idealistic. what's real without ideals?"
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I'll be honest: I struggle with accepting the idea that someone can be in committed, polyamorous relationships. I suppose I wonder at a person's ability to be 'committed' to more than one (it's hard enough to be committed to one person when one's additional relationships to family, friends, work, service, God, etc...are considered) person romantically, and I am definitely biased towards monogamous relationships---though I can respect a person who is uncommitted to anyone else being in casual, consensual relationships with multiple partners. But relationships based on trust, love, commitment, respect--I guess I'm stuck in a bias for monogamy because of the intimacy involved...I just can't imagine being able to be intimate in an emotional, physical, and spiritual way with more than one person. And wouldn't like it if my boyfriend were. Does that mean we trust each other less? I'm not sure. Obviously, this poster's partner is still not sold (she says 'yet'). What if he doesn't come around? Will it have been worth it? I'm not sure...
Still, when I think of families--they act as one unit, and the most loving ones are committed to one another. Take siblings, for instance. Can three brothers not be as intimately connected and loving as two brothers? No one would argue triplets have less of a closeness than twins, no?
So, I suppose I have to acknowledge that I have no problem accepting extraordinary closeness between more than 2 people outside of romantic relationships--why do I fumble with polyamory? And will I ever change my mind?
The questions remain....
My hair
16 years ago
2 comments:
I agree- I personally would not be able to be in a relationship with more than one person, but I can understand and even respect individuals that CAN. I mean, sometimes I can hardly handle even having ONE boyfriend, let alone two. Kudos to those that are strong enough- is that a correct term? And the case on Suzanne Swift is over according to an article I read. She was released from jail and still works in the military, but only in a shipping area.
Polyamory is a sticky issue. Although I think I'd probably be able to be in committed trusting relationships with two people, I won't know until it actually happens. And what if I find two people I truly love and one of them is against the whole idea? I think that would be the hardest part - jumping in. Once you are open to the idea and start exploring, the trust and everything might work because you're all new at it. But there's so much risk involved. What if you and your partner - whom you love truly, madly, deeply do - bring someone new into the relationship and it doesn't seem to work out? Or you really do develop stronger feelings for the new person? You're jeopardizing a friendship and connection with an important person in your life. But really, what's life without risks?
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